u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
