Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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