If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
