Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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