Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The air taste purple.
Randomize
