WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My liver just broke up with me...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
