There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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