God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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