Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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