Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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