There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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