Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
