I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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