$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
