I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
