i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
