Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
