dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
