its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
