We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
