just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
