Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
