It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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