I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
