I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
this boner is exhausting
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
