i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
