We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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