I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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