I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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