Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
