The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
