Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
