I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
