Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
