I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
