I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
