I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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