Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
