If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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