I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
