i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
