is your mom at the bar?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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