I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
ttyl tear gas
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
