i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
