Your face is a jimmy john
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
