when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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