i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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