My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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