your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
