Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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